HUMOR AND WIT

Rock, Paper, Scissors:

When you play rock, paper, scissors with God, God always wins. Also, keep your private parts covered during play.

Floor Eyed:

If your eyes fell out and landed on the floor, you would be fluoride.

From Dave Berry:

A change to the tax code is that all taxpayers, living or dead, are required to provide the IRS with their nicknames, which must be written on Form 1040, Line 13, Part (b), Roman Numeral XLVII. This is part of an IRS effort to crack down on criminal activity.

In the words of Commissioner Mark “Tiny Bag Containing Exactly Two Pretzels” Everson: “Taxpayers with normal or merely stupid nicknames, such as ‘Chuck’, ‘Bitsy’, or ‘The Herbinator’ have nothing to worry about. But taxpayers with criminal-sounding nicknames such as ‘The Backhoe: ‘Joey Three Nostrils: or ‘Martha Stewart’ will be singled out by our Audit Enforcement Division for closer scrutiny and possible abduction.”

Q. What if I don’t have a nickname?

A. You must fill out form NN2038-4Q, “Request for Taxpayer Nickname:’ and the IRS will assign you a nickname from the Federal Nickname Reserve Board, known as “Freddie Nick.”

From Robbin Williams:

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

Two cannibals bite into a clown and one says to the other, “Does this taste funny?”

Proof that humans were designed by engineers: they put a waste processing facility right by a recreational area.

A surgeon comes home. His wife says: “How was your day?” He says: “I had a man with problems on his left side. So I cut off his left side. Now he’s all right.”

A mother had son who ate nickles, dimes, and quarters. She took him to the doctor. The doctor says, “We’ll keep him overnight.” She calls in and asks: “How’s he doing?”  The doctor says: “No change.”

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Their children are nothing to look at either.

I saw this baseball and it kept getting bigger, and I wondered why. Then it hit me.

Western Version of Karmic Justice: Time wounds all heels. 

The financial crisis has now hit Japan. Origami Bank folded. Sumo Bank went belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks. Furthermore, 500 of the staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report something fishy is going on at Sushi Bank, where employees may be getting a raw deal. Only Ninja Bank remains completely in the black.

Germans ingest a lot of beer and sausage, yet they suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Japanese eat very little fat while Mexicans eat a lot, yet both suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Chinese drink very little red wine while Italians drink a lot of it; yet both suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. My conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It seems that what kills you is speaking English.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

A FEW MORE CHUCKLES

Knock, knock. — Who’s there? — To.  — To who? — No, to whom.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I’m travelling light”.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took one-fiftieth of the recommended dose.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies, “I think not” and promptly disappears.

Next Section

NOT FUNNY, BUT AT LEAST INTERESTING

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Winston Churchill once said that you can always count on Americans to do the right thing–after they’ve tried everything else.

“Earth is an insane asylum, to which the other planets deport their lunatics”. – Voltaire, Memnon the Philosopher.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented by women.

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase “Goodnight , sleep tight”.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down”. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”.

Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Arthur Shopenhauer: All truth passes through three stages: First it is ridiculed. Second it is violently opposed. Third it is accepted as self-evident.

Einstein: What is needed to correct error is a combination of intelligence and stubbornness.  After all, at first a new truth is ignored, then it’s attacked, and then “everyone knows it”.

Einstein: Nothing is greater than infinity – except for mankind’s stupidity.

Do you have humor or wit you would like to add. Enter it in the comments box below. 

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Jimmie Deal,

James at James Robert Deal dot org

© June 17, 2016